A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
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A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
how to market bottled water to dads
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun