Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
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Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.