Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
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Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
I have never related to anyone more.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.