Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
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if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Finally!
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.