I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
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I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
For the ones in the back.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it