I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
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Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
men are simple creatures
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house