Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
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When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy