My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
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Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
the pigeons are already plenty salty
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir