CUTE CAT‼︎
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Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Brands during Pride
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.