My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
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absolute chaos
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
That’s incredible! 👌
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.