I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
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Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest