went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
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I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!