SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
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A family that plays together cheats.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.