Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
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Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Good morning, Twitter x
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.