PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
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date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.