You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
This kid is a star!
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”