She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
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Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.