me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
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Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.