I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
You Might Also Like
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
I’ll be mad as hell!
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**