If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
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“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me