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I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁