Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
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Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
U talkin 2 me?
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”