HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
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No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Yes, this is exactly right
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here