cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
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Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number