I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
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If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
What the hell happened in there??
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”