Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
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I don’t hate children, just yours.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.