I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
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If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No