[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
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i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.