What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
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“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Whoa 😂
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
“i miss shittin on people”
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs