Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
You Might Also Like
somebody come look at this
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.