Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
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I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.