[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
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Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
The three genders.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt