Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
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Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
when you order from DoorDastardly
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret