Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
You Might Also Like
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Any refunds available?…
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
what could possibly go wrong?
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
KFC hitting the cannibal market
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house