god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
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I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
saw this in a dream
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.