Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
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So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.