Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
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After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
This could be us but you eatin’
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Found my door mat
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.