I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
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My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.