“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
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Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Jail
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”