Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
You Might Also Like
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.