I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
You Might Also Like
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q