*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
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BRO LMFAO
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew