Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
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My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”