She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
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are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
translated into Canadian
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.