My birth announcement for our third baby
You Might Also Like
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Oops
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.