Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
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Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok