WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
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Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.