[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
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what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Body by sandwich.