English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
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HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
this post was so formative to me
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.