I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
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Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
bugs when you lift up a rock
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family